Hi! I’m gonna tell all you guys the latest news now. So go ahead and read…. To start I’d like to share an article that I read in the paper the other day. It’s pretty dark, and I’m not exactly sure what it all means yet. But here’s the report pasted word for word. And it’s copied exact! I should know, I wrote it. But anyway, here is the article, word for word:
In the town where I live they are ignoring the coming apocalypse….. The other day I saw some people jogging. They’re mistaken for thinking they can run from the apocalypse….. Self help books will not help you when the apocalypse comes. Although some people will drop self help books like flyers on Hiroshima..… When you’re in the apocalypse you are surprisingly rarely surprised…..The only legitimate excuse for messing something up is “oh, I’m sorry about that… I got distracted because I was ignoring the apocalypse at the time.” It is, by the way, NOT ok to ignore the apocalypse….. All billboards are actually signs for the approaching apocalypse, coming to your town soon! I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but The New Whole Usuals are coming out with a new album. It’s called “Every New Whole Usual Will Die.” I’d suggest getting one while supplies last. -Andrew of The New Whole Usuals
This is of course the press release for the upcoming New Whole Usuals album. Although there remains to be done a bit of arranging the album is, the bulk of it, completed. What it does lack though is an ultimate insight into the true nature of the universe. Scratch that, what I mean to say is that in more recent news I’ve begun research for the new album. In essence I’ve set out on a mission which requires that I play the role of both journalist, and transparadigmic questor. My research mission will be carried out in three stages. One, find irrefutable proof of the existence of God. Two, come to a full understanding of the ultimate nature of the universe. And three, report back. Hemingway said that all you have to do is write one true sentence. This becomes problematic however when one takes on the dual roll of journalist and transparadigmic questor. But despite all challenges the quest must go on. And so I’m considering beginning my research mission by staying at the Waffle House until I am given some sign of a purposeful doer behind the action of the universe i.e. God. One would think that the urgency of such a paramount teleological endeavor would make it easy for one to shirk his other duties and obligations. But this just isn’t so! That is to say that there will no doubt be complications. How will I earn money? What if I become tired? What will all that Waffle House food do to my arteries? I suppose the life of a transparadigmic questor shant be easy. However if all goes well I should start my mission soon. Once this is done all findings will be published in the New Whole Usuals album.”Every New Whole Usual Will Die.” But thorough notes will be kept and updates on the process will be given right here in the “Usual News” section of The New Whole Usuals’ website. It’s a little periodical with big questions to answer. And I’m going undercover to see what I can uncover. Wish me luck!
Also in this issue I’ve included two vocabulary words. I just like em’
Transparadigmic: of or having the ability to transcend all paradigms and peer directly into the ultimate nature of reality.
Questor: one who is blessed with the gift of purpose.
And that’s the latest news.
-A
Monday, February 18, 2008
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